A gated community of affluent bloodsuckers?… or as it’s better known in L.A., Bel Air?

Trust me, I know bloodsuckers who live in gated communites, they’re called Entertainment Executives and they’re the ones who created THE GATES, a new summer series on ABC that looks like the picture perfect Merriam Webster definition of useless bullshit.

From what I could tell during the endless loop of insipid summer series promos ABC ran like clockwork during every one of the seventeen hundred commercial breaks they managed to stuff into the sausage casing known as the Lost Finale broadcast, The Gates is some kind of unholy amalgam of Twilight meets Desperate Housewives.

Really, ABC? Really?

For God’s sake, ABC, if you’re going to combine Twilight with a TV show why not pick Grey’s Anatomy? Doctors who heal their patients only to suck their blood over and over–which now that I think about it could be perfectly set against the backdrop of the American Medical Insurance Industry… but I digress.

Vampire Grey’s Anatomy would be great. That way I could have a valid reason to want to drive a wooden stake through the heart of that annoying asian chick on the show instead of the borderline irrational reason I currently have for wanting to do so.

No, instead we got Twilight meets Desperate Housewives, which may possibly go down in history as the worst intertwining of young and old since that time growing up when the kid next door banged his grandma, and Lord knows none of us want to talk about what we saw that summer either.

Granted, I will admit I am basing my criticism of The Gates solely upon the promos but I can’t be the only one who has seen this ridiculous teaser and then immediately circled my tv set with garlic cloves and holy water to ward it away. Aside from those who have any financial interest in this show, does anyone really think The Gates will be any good?

Truthfully, I think I have a better chance of someday seeing an executive nameplate embossed with the name Kevin Federline on it before I will ever bear witness to a second season of The Gates on TV next year, so schlock fans get your Facebook Fan pages ready and hurry to dip your collectable Team Edward coffee mugs in the bloody water because this whole Vampire well is running dry. That’s right, I’m putting my foot down. I’m not afraid to say “I don’t give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about Vampires anymore.”

I just want to know whose brilliant idea it was to just take the archetype of despicable people and then add the burden of also having to be an undead creature of the night with no soul–or as they’re better known in L.A., Scientologists.

But of course, that’s not to say THE GATES can’t be full of sympathetic characters. I mean why not feel terrible for the horrible plight of being a vain motherfucker who can’t see itself in the mirror. That has to be Hell, right?

Because if it isn’t, wasting an hour of my life watching this show certainly would be.

*****

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